Dagon's Princess Rants

I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW……

It would be so nice to come here and post something positive but the universe seems to be sending me nothing but negativity lately to work with.  I am so sad.   It might seem dumb but I am sad.  It seems like lately the world just keeps reminding me of impermanence.  This is not a new concept to me. It’s one I have been fighting for most of my life.  I get that life is impermanent.  But that very fact makes me feel that I should have some things that are permanent in my life.  To anchor me.  I’ve never had a real home that was mine, nothing tangible—-so you hope for friends or a partner or something that will last.  The turmoil in my relationship with the person I love most in the world, this stupid girl that has entered my consciousness and now a letter from the person who was supposed to be my best girlfriend in the world.  Who has ignored me for more than 2 years —who I have tried tracking down through every means.  She writes me today very casually after my last desperate attempt to contact her—a postcard that just said “WHERE ARE YOU?”…. and drops that she’s living in another state.  Because her stupid boyfriend wanted to move there. And oh yeah, she’s been in Ohio since then but did not bother to tell me—-or even to tell me she moved out of state.  This person tracked me down—swore allegiance—no men would ever come between us, we would be funny old ladies together with our dogs and our black shawls.  She made me believe her.  And then this.  And the tone of the letter.  So casual —so clear she does not give a fuck. And the kicker—she’s stayed in contact with her ex who used to abuse her—and is happy about that.  After the abuse I suffered from her for dating/marrying an asshole.  Yeah, I get that—a real friend tells the truth.   I feel so stupid for like the 50th time in a month.  Am I the only person who values friendships and love anymore? Why do I believe what people tell me?  People always ask me why I don’t have faith in anything—why should I?  I can’t trust anyone.  It’s all a big joke. While I have been ruminating on my misery and problems a little girl, half my age has developed a crush on my partner.  Who I am incredibly estranged from.  Whom I don’t know how to talk to anymore.  I can smell the abandonment coming.  WHY DO I FUCKING CARE???